I have been on a journey. The last three weeks I have been at home with the virus. The ups and downs were shining light on the past, present, and future. To me, this virus is a spiritual cleansing and it is bringing me closer to God.
I used to worry about what people would feel or think of me if I spoke about God. I didn’t want to tap into that and share the messages I was getting and by doing that I wasn’t listening to the messages myself, but that ends now.
The vibration of spirit, God, nature, whatever you want to call it, is such a clear and strong vibration on this earth and I am no longer afraid to talk about it.
My healing this week really began when an angel came to me.
Since I didn’t want to go to the hospital, I called my Doctor virtually and he said there was not anything he could for me.Urgent Care would not give me a test or support me which led me to lean on myself and the resources I had. I was fortunate to get in touch with my best friends sister who is a nurse. I called Paula and spoke to her about what has been going on with me.
I have experienced 5 harsh attacks of becoming out of breath, where I felt like my lungs were shrinking. They were the most challenging experiences of the last few weeks. During one attack, I asked my friend to stay on the phone with me. During the second I took a pill I had from 2014 that I was prescribed, for anxiety attacks while enduring my divorce. The third and the forth attacks I went for a walk. For the last one, I just sat on the floor, taking deep inhales and holding my breath as long as I could before the exhale. I did 20 of these powerfully, until I nearly fainted. I felt much better once the blood rushed through my body. I feel very fortunate to have learned this kundalini breathing technique from my teacher Peter.
There was a moment that I felt this virus was going to kill me. I even wrote a will for my kids and I cried because I felt ”this is the end.”
This virus was a physical and spiritual experience. Yes, I used all my tools of breath work, Neti Pot, hot steam, essential oils and Vitamin C which I believe supported and got me through. But, what really saved me was my prayer. I asked God to stay here and expressed that I was not ready to leave earth just yet. The shortness of breath, the anxiety, the weakness, and not being able to get out of bed, was not like me. I couldn’t smell or taste for almost three weeks. I lost at least 7 pounds which I’m happy about. My mom always told me that a woman‘s body changes. It goes through changes constantly and she encouraged me not to fight it. She would said if you gain weight there is a reason and that you probably will need it. And yes I needed that 10 pounds because they held me these last three weeks of no appetite.
Finally, after speaking to nurse Paula, we agreed it was time to use my malaria meds I had gotten for my the trip to India trip I was supposed to go on. She also had me use the Z pack I had been previously been prescribed but never took. These helped me through the last part of my healing.
I didn’t want the virus to linger, my body was tired of fighting. However when I called my infection disease dr he said no take nothing – just use all your meditation and breathing technology even then I needed to go back home and listen to the wisdom within
Paulas support and suggestions made me feel for the first time in weeks, that I’m being held and I can finally let go!
The virus made me let go of my stubborn will. Before the virus, I just would not stop pushing myself to do my taxes, write my book, go on zoom with my playwright class, and support all my girlfriends. By the end of the day, I felt like I used to when I would finish trading on the stock exchange.
A deep stage of my healing really began when my friend Alicia told me that in order to heal, I need to avoid anything that is inflaming my body. That included to stop answering emails and asking my friends and students for time off to heal. Even in during a time like this, when we have all this time, we still need boundaries. This is a time to grieve and to let go of the past. It is a time to forgive, to love, and to see clearly what is not in alignment and to let those things go.
My lazor Buddha mind, as my friend Tom refers to me, knew that I was ready to stop fucking around. I no longer want to fight this internal struggle of feeling like I’m not enough. I am tired of feeling like I should do more and work harder and give more and more. to hell with it! What is really important after this three weeks of hell is to completely surrender. We know nothing. The connection that it feed between myself and my soul is most important. The deep wisdom that occurs when I can just drop into my heart and surrender is important.This real connection is everything. I am blessed to have it with myself snd with my women friends. I am so blessed, so blessed!
Letting go of the guilt and the shame feels important. to surrender what people think of me or expect from me feels important.
People think they know what is good for you but no one knows what is good for you. Only the God that sit inside of you truly knows. I no longer care if you have a problem with God. For me, God is sacred, humble, it’s unconditional love and ultimate peace, it’s when me and you are connected in the heart without the BS and it’s real.
I love you ❤️